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| This is what I think of when I think "wilderness" |
The last few days, perhaps weeks, have been a bit frustrating for me. In some sense that's standard fare for me, as those very few who know me well already understand. I'm a bit of a type-A; I like things to be how they're supposed to be, and of course that in itself is often a matter of perspective. I want things to work. I want my internet to be as fast as my ISP says it's supposed to be. I want people to drive the speed limit. I want to be able to do the right things and get the expected results. Now, I don't need you to email me or post on my Facebook wall explaining how life is often not as we expect it to be, that we don't always get our way, etc. I know these things, but that's my personality. So when something goes unexpectedly awry, it irks me a little bit. Sometimes I'm better at handling this than other times. I would say it is a flaw in my character that I'd like to change.
As it applies to my life right now, all of this particularly holds true in relation to my walk with God. Let me give you a little bit of background:
Back in April 2010 God began changing my life when Cindy walked over to me in Barnes and Noble with a book called Fathered By God: Learning What Your Dad Could Never Teach You by John Eldredge. My dad left our family when I was 7 years old, and the scars that were left I largely didn't know existed until I read this book. Light bulbs began coming on. "Ah, that's why I struggle in this (fill in the blank) area." I was nearly overtaken by anger and bitterness any time my dad came up in conversation. Over the next 18 months or so God took me on a journey (one that is still in progress) of healing. As I read more books by Eldredge I began to understand more about my God, my importance to him, and how he sees me. Christian psychologists and counselors will tell you that we often view God in the same way we do our earthly father. In my case, that mean I couldn't trust him, wasn't really sure about his love for me, and certainly didn't think I could be good enough for him. I can look back and notice the change myself. My wife has noticed it and friends have seen it too. In October I wrote my dad a 6-page letter and "let it all out." It was the first time I had ever chronicled my inner feelings about the divorce and growing up without my dad. It was the first time I really understood how the person I am today was shaped so dramatically by his absence. At the end of the letter, at the prompting of the Holy Spirit, I offered my dad forgiveness. He made a trip in December and we talked. There wasn't anything earth-shattering about the meeting, but at least God brought me to the point of getting over that mountain, facing my feelings, and throwing off the incredible weight of unforgiveness and bitterness.
Around Christmas of 2010 Cindy and I began to feel "stirred" in our hearts that change was coming. Up until very recently we thought this meant moving to Denver to be closer to family, but despite a couple of job openings in that market, I'm not quite female/blond enough to fit the mold. That has been a disappointment, but we prayed at the beginning that we wanted to be in the center of God's will and understood that to get into the Denver market it would have to be ordered of God. At the same time, we felt that God was leading us to leave our church of nearly eight years. While we were all "plugged in" there and can genuinely say we look at our time there as positive, Cindy and I both hungered for something more. So in late October we left, not knowing where to go next. We are still "floating," not even sure where to look for the next church. What we are hungry for has yet to be apparent in any place we've tried. Finding a church that cares more about connecting the hearts of its people to God's heart than it does all the rules and dogma is a challenge. So many churches are really social clubs with God's name attached.
So that leads to now. For a while there was recognizable growth in my life. We (Cindy and I) were growing in our relationship with each other and with God. We both found a new passion for God and began listening for and following his voice. We made a leap of faith--and now it feels as though we're in the wilderness. Disconnected. Wandering. Waiting. For a type-A guy like me, this is maddening. In my mind the growth should just continue on a straight line. "Okay, I did this and this, now this or that should happen." I want to feel connected. I want to make a difference. I want my boys to share in my passion for God, and I want my wife to adore me and esteem me. I want to be confident and live by faith instead of fear. I want to live in who God has created me to be, not what I think others expect me to be. In short: I want to be refined NOW. I feel as if I'm just...hanging. Going through the motions. Wandering in the wilderness.
I know, I know. Waiting on God is a good thing, right? Yes, it is. For me, the voices start whirling early: "did I do something wrong? Did I fail a test? Did I really hear God? Will my best be good enough?" The list goes on...
Interestingly, I Googled "wilderness" to get the pictures for this post. As I looked at the images, the one above matched my mind's picture. It's dry, it's hot, and it seems to go on forever, without a point or purpose. But perhaps there is more going on here than my immediate circumstances. Perhaps the wilderness is more like the picture below. Beautiful. A place of rest. A place where God can speak, if only I'll put my focus where it belongs.
